Knowing Much About Nothing....

I got up today & I started thinking; Relax... Celebrate life... & living!! You're standing upright; right, than everything is good. So, I made my way to my computer to check my e-mails. When I signed on & began reading my e-mails, I realized just how much I don't know about this cyberspace technology & how truly lost I am in navigating my way from here to there. I've lived this long in life dealing with all kinds of situations, been around the block a few times or two, raised two children, ("which I like to refer to as my kids") & still struggle to make sense of a click of the mouse. I thought to myself, "how hard can this computer cyberspace madness be; for gosh sakes"..... Ah...pish...posh... My cats were eye balling me for their breakfast food, so I decided to feed them instead, before they started smacking me around with their paws. They have nails, ya know !!

Anyway, I received some e-mails from some really terrific Mom's out in cyberspace. Or so I thought... They all know what they are doing, alright! They have great spreads on their blogs; far cry from mine. The e-mails seem to be messages of welcome and hello's with stories about their children, & a little bit about themselves. Well, I thought they were emails to me, but they were links to me. I don't know much about how this networking truly operates. I thought these Mom's were writing to me about my blog. I thought, "How great is that"! Not So.... not the case, not even close. In the e-mails to me there were places to click on to; links for me to go some where else. When I clicked onto the links, I began to realize it was connecting me to a Mom's comment web site page. This was a place where Mom's, like me left their comments and opinions on stories written by other Moms... more established then I, of course. My first gut reaction was, "Wow, how do they do that, this is great stuff"! Thanks, Mom's for connecting me to yet, another some place where I have no idea what the heck I am doing. After getting over my initial excitement & mixed feelings of gosh... what am I doing; I just shook my head in amazement knowing, I know nothing much about nothing... when it comes to this cyberspace technology & trying to understanding these linking techniques, I know nothing more today then I did yesterday..... Crap !!!

You can't imagine how really silly I felt when I finally figured it all out, dah aaa.... Okay, I told you "all" out there in cyberspace I was a techno newbie with no skills. I have no techno skills technology, nor do I know what the heck I am doing, what so ever! After a short, brief chuckle with myself I decided to write a short piece about this silly blunder of mine & how it made me feel... really crazy inside, of course. So, I decided to write on what I really do know a little something about even, though it might be much about nothing. So, here are some things I do know:

I know that in the South, when it is summer, it is really hot and humid. So, really hot & humid is the weather, you better have air-conditioning or you are liable to just melt away, just like wax does off of a burning candle. It is so very hot & humid that when you go outside, your face starts to feel like it is melting off, perspiration, like water runs from your forehead down. You become this one huge giant drip of wetness & it feels so uncomfortable. Owe... I'm melting....

I know that Meter Maids or (persons) come around way to often, checking the meters, marking your rear tires with white chalk, and writing out tickets which they politely display on your front wind shield for all the towns folks to see. It can get costly, just ask my daughter, who has a collection of them in her glove compartment of her car! Watch out Sweetie, or they'll boot ya...the next time.

I know that fast moving cars do want to run you down when you are in the cross walk zone... So, walk quickly, those cars are in a hurry and want you to move out of there way or they'll run you down if necessary. They are in a hurry to get to the next red light.

I know I am alive and still kicking & that's a good thing, with a lot of techno...technology to learn. Lots & lots... to learn, and I'm ready! Bring it on!! Yeah...boy! Thank God, I know how to move the mouse.

I know what really matters the most to me are my two kids, who I love dearly, and I know in their strange & bizarre way they love me, too; and, I am thankful everyday for this concrete fact. Even if my son, has a funny way of showing it. He forgets birthdays, cards, yet he calls. He also forgets the gifts....but he remembers to show up, he has a great appetite. My daughter is such a lady, she remembers everything, except what pertains directly to her. She always remembers the birthday cards, flowers, & gives great gifts; my son could learn a lot from his sister. My daughter keeps reminding me when we are all out together that my son keeps an open bar tab; take advantage of it Mom... I will, thanks sweetie, next time! Good stuff to remember. I could use a drink right about now.

I know families matter, no matter how dysfunctional. Families are the corner stone of life. They are the bonds that hold us together & support us through tough times. This is so important to our well being. Sometimes, families can be a lot of work and trouble & sometimes they hurt & are a real royal pain in the _____ but, even so, families matter. I love hanging with all the misfits in families, they are the most fun to be around. They know how to have a good time, most of the time & are the most entertaining. There never seems to be a dull moment with them, always full of surprises; & some, do the most outrageous things. These are what stories and memorable moments are made of at family gatherings. Like the time when Aunt Sophie got mad at Uncle Frankie at dinner & she turned a bowl of spaghetti over his head!! Spaghetti went everywhere. Now, that was funny.... I miss moments like that! I love to attend family reunions because of all those colorful characters.

I know to try to remain calm at all costs. It is imperative, when life throws you a curve and turns everything in your world upside down & chaos reins. Then, it seems like everything else turns to mush. It's only a matter of time when it will be your turn to be a winner again... You may even win the lottery, which will turn your chaotic life right side up again. Of course, you need to be playing to win; "there goes my last dollar"!

And, last but not least... I know the greatest gift in life... is life itself & yes, it is well worth living to your fullest potential! You never know when you're going to have a second shot at it, so enjoy the time & moments shared with family, friends, loved ones, co-workers, & techno newbies like me. Enjoy watching your children grow, your grandchildren, if you have some & treasure the moments with them, they are rare & hold special memories. Laugh a lot... laugh aloud, a lot, when ever possible. Screw things up when you can, this way when you finally get it right you'll feel great! Love being you, you are all you've got & you are worth it! Who knows when another you will come along. Not likely. If you have a problem with this... then reinvent yourself! Who cares who does or doesn't like you, "you like you" ! This is important, you count for something..."well don't you"? The answer to this question is a given....the answer is Yes! I'm lost in the shuffle and it's a public's view....

So, You Think You Know Me....

So...Sunday was Father's Day; Happy Father's Day to all Father's and single Moms who served duel roles.... I am not... by any means...a male bash-er. I love the family life; my other half didn't. He just didn't like playing house. His interests and mine differed greatly. I just know, I did the best I could with an if-fie situation. And, getting along with the one I choose wasn't easy. His friends, play time, and work all came first... It wasn't a health environment for my two young impressionable children...When my six year old son came into the kitchen one day to ask for a cookie and referred to me as a "fat ass" I knew there were changes that had to be made. When I asked my six year old son where he had heard this, he said, daddy said it when you left the room...So, I looked at my son and said, "Oh, he did...did he",...I walked back in the living room with my son in hand, where daddy was squatting on the couch, watching a football game on t.v., a place where he never could be pried from when he was at home... I asked him, "why did you call me a nasty name like that in front of our son? He looked at me surprisingly, and said...huh...no...I didn't....and looked at our son and began laughing. I knew he was lying...as he often did... I explained to my son what daddy did was a mean thing and he wasn't to talk to mommy like that ever again, "Okay"...my son never did it again...but I knew than it was only a matter of time. The telephone call from the other woman was the deal-breaker.....So, we went our separate ways.

Being Mom and Dad 24-7 wasn't an easy task. Working two and three jobs just to have enough money coming in to keep me and the kids out of the poor house, and those two children of mine busy enough, doing their kid things....wasn't easy at all. I lived by caffeine alone. Not a day went by without the intake of my many Pepsi drinks. Forget water. Managing my work schedule around the two children's schedule's was a juggling act to be seen.... and quit the mystery to us all. How I managed to maintain and still function without pulling any going Postal acts on anyone, baffles even me... My daughter still wonders how I managed all those feats and never wavered. I managed sports of many varieties; soccer, baseball, and basketball; I also coached a few for my son & daughter; just to name a few. My son's school wanted him for the track team and football team also, he was quit the athlete.... but I had to draw the line somewhere...come on... Coaches...give me a break...when was he suppose to study...when was I suppose to sleep? My two children were also in band throughout their middle school and well into their high school years...

A mom has to get some breaks somewhere... from working, to attending PTA meetings, to shuffling the kids from birthday parties to pool birthday parties...back and forth to and from their endless functions; not to mention the handling of the car pool shuffles here and there. My kids never rode the bus...they rode it once, got off that day after school and said to me," no way they were getting back on that noise thing again.....(that's what I get for having smart kids) ; they said they liked me driving them to school and picking them up; and, that's how it was up til their last years in high school.... and, the time I ran over my son's foot by mistake. He was reaching into the SUV to retrieve his book bag; I thought he had cleared the car and was walking away... some how the book bag was stuck on something and I didn't realize it... still moving the car forward...driving off....and dragged my son and the book bag along side my SUV. You see... his book bag, some how was still attached to the door... it got hooked on something inside the SUV...how that played out is still a mystery to me, yet today. People were yelling and waving their hands while my son was hobbling...trying his best to catch up with me... to get me to stop... he had finally let go of the book bag....which I didn't know I still had and....was still attached to the SUV... something he needed to reclaim for school that day. I steadily continued to pull out of the traffic circle of cars driven by the many sleepy moms delivering their children to school that day. I was continuing to make my way to the main road...heading to the open highway heading

for work. My son was all right, and when I finally did stop to see what all the commotion was all about... I couldn't stop laughing...I told my son I thought people were waving at me to say hello....how was I to know there was a book bag still attached to my vehicle....Hey; I was a sleep depraved Mom.... on the edge back than. Did I mention all the many different school clubs those two "darlings" belonged to, also... How I, all knowingly, managed all of these tasks and still showed up for their Graduations is still beyond me. When did I get to sleep... not while they were at home, that's for sure. I regained the sleep mode through the night after they left home and went off to college.... That's a lie..... Then, started the late calls into the night...of mom, I need this; mom, I need that, can you come down here, can you come up here... and sign this form or can you come and do this for me..... I need it tomorrow.

I got so wrapped up in the daily routine of being needed, giving advice, keeping my two children on track and grounded....that I some how lost myself.... It never dawned on me, that there would ever come a time when those two children of mine wouldn't need me any more. I didn't know what to do with myself when it finally came time for this to happen.... the awful empty nest...

Syndrome hit me like a ton of bricks, falling on top of me. What was I going to do without those two Love's in my life. Letting go....has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do...I know I've said it in another blog... I didn't handle it well at all...as a matter of public fact...I went off of the deep end...ssh..ssh...ssh... don't tell anyone. No one knew...not even the kids. I acted normal enough.... I didn't get really crazy...or anything really strange...I just did stuff really stupidly; rather stupid indeed. This is how I got lost in the shuffle....and now it's a public's view.

Life is Truly Interesting...

Life is truly interesting...what is of interest to some, bores the heck out of others. I visited a few blog web-sites today just to see what the perspective's is out there in cyberspace, and it just amazes me just how different so many of us can be, and yet how similar in our views. Can any of us agree on any one thing at all? This is a hard question to answer.

Everyone has a view point, and there are many with advise to give. I think this is great. I myself being new to this world of growing innovation... and all computers in general, well it just boggles the mind. Especially, mine. I am not ashamed to say I am a newbie to this world of computers, blogging, and twittering. Ah, twittering...something I don't care to do at this present time. I am trying to learn all this techno-mess as quickly as my mind can absorbs it, but just as soon as I grasp it, it's on to the next innovating movement...and, I get lost in the shuffle. Hence, my user name.

Both of my children, are young adults, now and have left the nest. I was a very firm single mom. I took nothing when it came to raising my two. I thought of their needs and how I wanted them to be productive people in our very strained society today. Raising children is a tough job in it's self, let alone in today's times for any parents; harder on single parents. My heart goes out to all parents raising children today. It's a struggle to stay sane with the way some children are reared with no parental structure or guidance. What to do, what to do?

My biggest struggle right now, is me. Learning this computer age garble... when I should have been on board a long time ago. Not a good choice on my part. My fault, no excuses. I was a stubborn fool who thought people would still like to socialize and interact with one another on a person to person level. What was I thinking? Little did I dare to know how times would change.... people rather be in cyberspace than interacting with any "real live" people...folks, if your from the south... I find myself, more and more in front of the boob tube when I get home from work, and enjoying it, along with my two cats, instead of human interaction. I find this all to true and sad at the same time. I take a sip of my newest drink preference, Snapple, instead of Pepsi...just to cut down on my intake of processed sugar, and it's click on the remote, and on to another channel to see what's happening in the world of Entertainment Tonight.

Long gone are the days when people in the neighborhoods hung out on their stoops, in front of their homes or buildings while the children played outdoors. My two children played outdoors until night time fell, then, I had to drag them in for their baths and get them ready for bedtime. There favorite games back than were "kick the can" and "stick ball"...I laugh now, when I think about my two and the kids in the neighborhood playing these games; games I use to play as a child growing up on the city streets. I love the fact of knowing I taught them how to play these game. My two children, now young adults, still talk about those times to their friends today; about the fun they had as a child playing outdoors with their friends and, as my son would say to discribe it to his friends... "good times". And, it makes me happy to know they did in fact enjoy their childhood and growing up, inspite of "mean ole' mom".

Now, back to my reality...the all knowing "how to learn this mess". I will be seeking out any and all advise, comments, and or information on how to become a better computer geek...I really want to learn design, it intrigues me so...I really enjoy U-Tube, and always ask the question.. "how did they do that...or this"? I am so easily amazed by all this techno stuff. I am on my own here. My daughter and son are way.... to busy with their young lives. Young people.... gosh darn it!! Really, I am happy they are enjoying their moments in time. No need for them to worry about mom...I will one way or another figure these thingies...out. I know my cats are on my side, too. Thanks...kiddie cats... This is my take on thingies...and it's a public's view.

It's Just A Moment in Time....It's A Memory...

Just a moment in time...captured with a single snapshot...a photograph...made into a lasting memory. How beautiful are these picturesque views... I look at these pictures and many others I have, often wondering when I will once again be able to travel. To spend vacation time the way I want to, not the way time is presently dictating I have to. Most of my time is spent working right now...and I am surely not complaining by any means. I am glad to have a job in these tough times. Some day, I would like to find work I love doing and can make a good living at.

I love taking pictures; I love art, music, and nature. During my younger years, I have had the rare privilege and pleasure of traveling and living in remote areas of the world. Where nature was still at it's best, before man cleared more road ways and paved jungles to make room for parking lots and hotels. Where sun light danced off of the sands, and the beaches stretched as far as the eyes could see... Where cliffs stood high above the crashing waves and many caverns waited to be explored. Where waterfalls tumbled off the rocks of mountains into pools of water, which later shaped and formed into small lagoons... so crystal clear was the water.... so crisp and cool to the touch... so quiet... so peaceful were these moments in time.... it felt like time itself stood still for this very moment. As I basked in the scenery, which took my breath away.... I made a lasting memory; I've made many lasting memories over the years, many which are etched into my thoughts, and have become treasured moments in time; ones I know, I will never forget. Some are as clear as if it were only yesterday, others like dreams of days gone by. Not one price tag can be placed on any of these wonderful memories or moments I experienced and spent exploring with nature in it's rarest forms of life. I can only hope to do it once again, when time permits. This is where I want to be...with nature...It's a memory, it's mine...and it's a public's view.

It's a Real Mess in Here....# five

It's Friday, and all I can think about is getting my paycheck and...well it sure isn't going to be spent on me, that's for sure. Like most pay days I, as well as many other people have...to pay bills... lots of bills...lots...and lots...and lots of bills. Plus, I have to plan on at least a weeks worth of "eatables" to sustain me through the week. With that thought in mind, I began planning what I will purchase around what coupons I have. I love to use coupons. I really can save a lot of cash and walk away with a nice bundle of groceries if I plan it right. Of course, today wouldn't be that day. I had vitamins to buy. They are so expensive. I wait until they are on sale, buy one get one free, then use a coupon to help offset the costs. This blows my whole strategy for economising wisely, yup... right out of the water. I really love to crunch numbers and save... save... save...when I can. Better choice making in my life and I will be able to pay these crazy bills off some day. So, I'm off and running; paying some bills, picking up mail, and going to the grocery store to shop for my week's supply of food. I try to pick the grocery store with the most sales going on. There are a few items I can pick up cheaper at Wally-World. Yes, that's right. There are some items much cheaper there than any grocery store offers. I just hate to grocery hop all over just to save a few dollars, but I will. Especially if they are close in proximity. I begin to make my selections in the produce area when an on coming shopper on wheels scoots me to one side. She is on one of those mobile contraptions with wheels. If she would have had a horn attached to that contraption she was riding on, she would have been beeping it at me continually. She looked my way, aiming her wheels right for me... and said, "I need a bit of the space you're in". I gave her this odd look of... excuse me; puzzled by her request...I thought to myself, what space is she referring to...this space where I am standing...that space...the space I was occupying and trying to gather some fruit and nuts for myself, that space?...I just looked away and decided to forget whatever it was I thought I might want and tried to move away from the on coming traffic of other shoppers. I knew better than to be in the store at this peek time of day. Americans love to shop between the hours of 5pm and 7pm. I could barley get away from the one shopper on wheels, when another shopper came around from the other side sort of blocking me in, making it really hard to navigate my way out of the produce area and move away from either shopper...it's like playing a game of dodge-ball with all sizes of baskets, carts, and chairs with wheels to maneuver through. I had just begun my shopping in this area and I thought to myself, I am not even close to the frozen section where I was planned my escape towards the self-check out area and eventually right out of the store. Boy, ...I've got to make this visit short...to crowded for me...space please...can anyone...please give me some space to move around and enough time to look at some stuff I was planning to buy and eat...I'm hungry and I want to go home...please.... I finally made it over to the frozen section of the store and got my coupons out so I could match what I needed to purchase instead of what I wanted to purchase. Not this time, I told myself...trying to convince me about all the savings I would rack up if I stuck to a plan. I headed to the self-check out area where there was a line. There was a line everywhere. Yes, no sooner was I standing in line waiting for an available robot machine in the self check out area, when a man appeared; not behind me but beside me and began talking to me. I didn't know him...I was really tired...all I wanted to do at this point was get my groceries and exit the store. I hadn't eaten all day and I was hungry. I saw he only had a few items so I offered to let him go next, if he liked; he said no, smiled, and continued to talk to me. I just smiled back and stood there and listened until the next available robot machine was ready to service another soul. Yeah; it was my turn. I faced the robot machine and began to scan my items. There were six self-check out robot machines at this store...all being used. While doing my groceries I happen to over hear this lady next to me talking loudly to the robot machine...I guess she didn't like what it was instructing her to do because it wouldn't allow her to complete her order...it just froze up on her. I could see she was stuck. Her purse was on top of the scale and the robot machine kept repeating instructions for her to remove the object from the scanning area. I didn't see the person who monitors the area, so I asked the lady if I could help her. She said; "I hate these stupid machines, I really hate them". Okay, I thought in my head..than why are you using them...??? No sooner did I think my thought, then she bellowed out "The lines are all to long and I just want to get out of here". "Me too", I answered back. Let me help you. "First you need to move your purse off of the scale area and than you need to push this icon...pay now and it will bring you to a list of icons instructing you on how you plan on paying; push on your choice of payment and that's it". "Oh, no"...she said, "the prices aren't right". I looked at her list and explained some prices won't show until you press the pay now icon. "No...the prices aren't right". "Yes, I understand what you are saying, but you still have to push the pay now icon or the prices won't come off of the listed prices which are now showing, trust me...I know...I do this a lot". I looked around to see if the monitor person was anywhere to be found....all I could see was this really short lady standing on a stool...who appeared to be busy pushing buttons of her own on a register key board... she was so pint-sized she had to use the stool she was standing on just to reach the register key board. Now, that's short!? She was busy with all these other customers so, I took it upon myself and just pushed the pay-now icon for this lady. Like magic the prices dropped off, she looked at me with this surprised look on her face and said, "oh it does work that way"; like there was something magic which just transpired..."I guess it does work the way you were saying it would". "Yes", I said to her..."yes it does". Than I quickly turned back to my own robot machine and said,"beam me out of here Scottie, please". I quickly gathered my items together and checked out so I could finally make it homeward bound. I helped someone...with their checking out and now it was my turn to depart.

Way Out There...Lost in the Shuffle...

So, here I go again...number four. It is really hard to find myself on my own once again, and not in the early years of my twenties. I am, as I stated earlier on, a dinosaur... in the stages of the empty-nest syndrome of my life. Finding myself without the children or a hubby to cover any really down time I have or may not have. Or the inadequate feelings I may or may not have about myself. I find myself loving the ice-cream a lot...thank you Bryers and Ben & Gerry...more Bryers...I am hooked on Rocky Road ice-cream...I am not a food-a-holic by no means because in between the jabs of ice-cream and T.V. I turn to the occasional walk with the music to drown out my displeasing thoughts of how did I let myself get here. As the world turns, for a lack of a better way to describe my temporary situation of insanity... temporary of course. I am finding I like having the alone time. Not all the time...but most of the time, especially when I am not working. I like doing a lot of different things, but I find myself without the funds to be able to enjoy the time the way I would really like to spend it. I am still paying for colleges and other stupid mistakes I made along the way. I guess this is why I really am trying to write a book. I have so many stories I could tell and share, or so I have been told by many....Yet, when it all comes down to it...I guess I just think I am so very lucky in so many other ways. I'm just not rich...nor do I have anything of monetary value; except myself. I really pictured myself with so much more at this time in my life. All the mistakes...gosh...I just keep thinking if only I went in this direction instead of that direction, if only I wasn't so pig-headed...if only...but hey...maybe my life's experiences can help other people... somewhere...out there...from making the same crazy choices. Become a guru of choice living...Because, isn't that what living life really is, a series of choices...good, bad, or indifferent...they are choices we make of our own free will. And if they don't turn out the way we want them to...isn't that just what we have...bad choice making. We have no one else to blame but ourselves. So, if we make a bad choice, why not learn from it and start to make new and better choices. I sure know I have the potential for doing just that...So, let me give some great advise...yet never taking it. Sound funny?! It is... how did I keep so sane amongst all this drama of wrong twists and turns in my life...I found the humor in me. I found a way to laugh with myself at some the dumbest points in my life. I look at people, and talk with people every day...and I know I am not in a boat alone trying to paddle my way to safety. I see people when they don't even see themselves, or how they are acting out, in some odd ways...I spoke with a lady just the other day who found out sometime last week she has a tumor in her brain. She was out just walking around after hearing the sad news. She didn't know what she was going to do, she was walking in my direction and decided to stop and talk with me. I have one of those faces...people I don't even know who will come over to me asking for directions, where they can find this or that, or just strike up a conversation with me. I don't understand it, but it happens all the time. So, here is this lady, I don't even really know asking me what I thought she should do. Wow...I thought to myself.... I have problems!? She is a walking, talking, time bomb and she is stopping to talk with me about the aneurysm in her head, which could explode even as we were speaking with one another! Wow!! So, I said to her: "look, you have to take care of yourself...you need the operation...you need to get well again". She looked at me with this sad blankness in her eyes and said, I know...I know your right. I just don't have anyone. I'm alone. I said, "no you're not". We are all here for you. Take care of yourself. She came in yesterday, as I stated to say she is having the surgery on Monday. I said our thoughts and prayers will always be there for you. As she left she stopped to tell anyone who would listen to her about the operation. I had a moment of odd kinship with her. I don't even know her name. How about that for a story. And, it's a true one. So, you see...I know just how lucky I am. I get to go to a job I dislike so much, that I am okay with it, because I get to visit with some very interesting people who just happen to pass my way. How lucky is that....I'll have you know...lucky indeed!

This Is Where I Am Presently...Off and Running...

As in the business world.... of Public Relations.... I get to meet and greet hundreds, to thousands of people a day... who are in need of a helping hand with simple solutions to there every day problems... quite simply put... I am a problem solver.... all day long... this is the work I do and the profession I am in. Quite frankly speaking, I never thought or pictured my life in such disarray, at this point in my life, nor did I see myself... here... struggling as I do... today. It makes a cat want to meow endlessly, the fur on the back of the neck stand up and say," pay attention", and a grown person want to slap ya, right upside the head and say, "why...why... oh...why, did you let this happen". "What"... would be my reply...what did I do?! This is were I am presently... I'm off and running... for dear life!

My greatest accomplishment to my credit presently was and still is my two children who are not children any more...they are young adults. I went through a dirty, nasty, divorce...which I still don't understand...after 22 years of marriage on paper... 7 1/2 I actually co-existed with this individual and lived separately the remainder; as I raised my two children alone. Some people follow their heart, I followed the pleas of my children asking me... to...please oh please... not let them become another statistic of a divorced family. So, I did it for them... I remained married to their father.... "This is what I get for having smart children".... I listened with an open heart to their request....knowing I also didn't want them to have to live with the shuffling of here a week and there a week... (as if he wanted to have them at all) syndrome of divorced parents. I know that was there main concern too...because of all the stories they heard from other children at school having to go through this on a week to week bases. My heart & support goes out to any & all families who are going through separations or divorces... When there are children involved it is a hard process of adjustments for all involved. It's hard enough to raise a family in these tough times, together...Period. I some times look back and ask if I did the right thing...questioning myself... and the answer is always, yes... I did what I had to for my children's sake and their well being... I did it all for the right reasons.... I never dated either. But every one's experience is different and has to be viewed that way. There are no easy answers to divorce, when children are involved.

Actually, he never wanted to share the kids, and rarely cared to visit them. We had a running joke... the kids and I... just to see how long it would take him, before he decided to leave. His visits lasted a matter of 15 minutes tops... and he was gone... off and running... This took a toll on me because I over confiscated for everything with the children, making sure every need was met, and then some. I wanted to make sure the kids knew they were loved and it was nothing they did to cause the split, nor was it anything they did...or didn't do to effect our decisions. Their father was just the way he was... and I couldn't live with him without the thought of killing him in his sleep... ha ha... Not really. And, they needed to love him in spite of himself. He liked his night life partying and other entertainments. His friends were first... then, it was his work... whatever work that was for the moment... they all came before his family did... family was secondary. He never told his family; his Mother and Father about the separation... they didn't know for years... When they did finally find out... I was to blame... not their precious son. I boar that burden too. When the holidays rolled around each year we pretended to be a family and showed up together for the holiday celebration... Now, that was a hilarity all in its self... Keeping it from everyone was a real challenge. The kids and I still laugh about it a lot today... I was more of a family type person who liked being with the kids... doing stuff with the kids, taking them on outings... to their games... and just going places with them.... We did a lot of great stuff together... I had a great time being a Mom... it was just a lot of good times... I loved being a Mom... and found out I was good at it.

And, so the day came when some woman he dated... after our long separation... gave him an ultimatum to either get a divorce from me.... finally.... and marry her, or she would be moving on. I'll just bet right now she had wished she did move on. (they're experiencing some rough spots right now) I wish them both all the best and hope they work the kinks out. He was a hard man to live with... for me. I knew than, as I do now that we were not good for each other. I only would have liked to have been a bit more braver and left the jerk when he walked out on me and the kids the first time around, then divorced him on grounds of desertion. I didn't do that... instead I stayed married to him....on paper.... Heine sight...right!

Unlike what he did to me... My son was in his third year at college, and my daughter was starting her second.... when he dropped a bomb shell on me. He took out an ad in our local newspaper... suing me for a divorce on the grounds of desertion; after his girlfriend gave him the ultimatum to get a divorce from me or else... I'm sure. A friend of mine called me while I was visiting with the kids for the holidays and said," hey, did you know you made the newspapers"? I asked, "what are you talking about"? She told me I was being sued for a divorce by my than husband for desertion... "What", I said; You've got to be kidding me... this is all I could keep saying.... over and over...again... WTF.... after 22 years... "Now", is he joking... what desertion is talking about"?! "I didn't desert anyone... I never left the state. I went to another city in the same state to share the holidays with the kids... for gosh sake" What was he thinking... idiot"! "The kids aren't finished with college yet".... he agreed to wait until they were done with college". "well", she said... I guess he changed his mind. "Okay, thanks for the heads up".... I was miffed!!

I had to drive back with my son to where I lived because he would have to drive another 4 hours to get back to his college. When I got back to town, I quickly purchased a newspaper and turned to the back section....there it was... in all it's glory... for all the towns folks to see and bare witness to.... I guess he was banking on me not reading that section of the newspaper... he was right... I never read the back section of the newspaper.... ever! He knew I would be out of town visiting the kids for the holidays... and took advantage of the time frame. What a dirty rat.... what a sneaky thing to do... We lived in the same town all those years and I never bothered him or messed in his personal affairs... I only remained married to him for the kids sake... and wanted to wait until the kids were finished with college before considering any legal actions like a divorce... he never asked for one before, and we had been married this long already; why make any radical changes now. We had talked about it and agreed on waiting until the children were done with college... he told me he never wanted to get remarried again so what was the hurry.... why now?
This was all I could think about over and over again... running it over and over in my head. I was not a fun person to be around. I wasn't ready to let go. I was hoping he would help me pay for the children's college expenses... What was I going to do now... Odd.... how so many of us think of things in reverse when it comes to situations as untimely as this one. Never thinking ahead... this has always been a problem of mine.

My son was attending an Ivy League private school out of state; costly...very costly; and my daughter was attending a very prestigious college in the state where we lived. What was I thinking... him help me pay for college expenses... ha... this joke was on me.... I and the kids got to foot the bill, togehter !! I'm still paying for colleges..... and will for a while. Thank you very much... What a mess that time was and is now... I'm still coming out of it. I had to say good-bye to the children I so loved, and loved being around; so they could pursue their life long goals... attending college and moving on with their lives, I had to let go of a long over due dead marriage, and I had to lay a great cat, a long time friend of the family's... down to rest .... all in such a short time frame. And, I'll have you know I didn't handle any of it well.... Not well at all....

Gotta Love Me !! I'm lost in the shuffle and it's a public's view....